Reply turned post, parenting judgment style

I used to write more about mom on mom judgment than I do now. But, every now and then I see a conversation online, and it brings me back into the common discussion of what is acceptable to “judge” and what is not.

On PhD in Parenting, this conversation comes up every once and again, and it did on this post on parenting styles on vacation.

Here is my reply to the cries of “don’t be so judgmental!”:

I think there is a fat line between mommy judgment and deciding which parenting tactics aren’t for you.

I hate it when I see parents yelling at their kids, repeatedly, for doing something when they could get up and do more effective disciplining up close, but are too busy with their own texting or book or conversation that they don’t want to bother. Know where it’s worse? On a school playground. With both of my kids, I observed the playground first before choosing a preschool. If the adults huddled in a corner and yelled at the kids from afar, and missed acts of aggression, you betcha my kid didn’t go to preschool there.

But, I am not condemning parents who I see do that once as “bad parents”. I am not condemning the adults (teachers, teacher’s assistants, whatever) at the preschool [where] I saw this as awful teachers. In fact, I use this “judgment call” “opinion” or whatever you want to call it to catch myself, too. If I am doing something similar, like yelling at my kids repeatedly from my keyboard (who me? never…), I will think “You’re doing that thing you hate” and hopefully get off my tuchus and discipline more kindly AND effectively.

Are we really defending screeching at children from afar? Of course, a parent may have a hurt foot or a disability. Of course, a child may have an immune disorder, and may need stuff wiped down. I am the type of person to travel with snacks, but mostly because 1. the food at resort style places is obnoxiously expensive and 2. it’s usually pure crap. Do I judge parents who let their kids eat it? No, when I can afford it, I splurge a little and relax my standards for my kids. Are we talking about kids with severe allergies here who need their own food? No. And, again, I would never use that as some sort of end-all-be-all judgment of the quality of parenting.

We aren’t talking about exceptions, we’re talking about parenting choices, here. Screeching from afar = poor discipline, and I don’t feel overly judgmental saying that.

I was stuck in a long line at DisneyWorld once next to a mom who had just gotten out of a tour in Iraq. She was with her young son, who was the same age as my older son at the time. I still remember to this day the nasty and sarcastic way she talked to her son the whole time we stood next to each other, and it was the good part of an hour.

I have no idea what it is like to leave your child for a tour of duty in a war. Just thinking about it, and I do often, because I am a ruminating bleeding heart like that, makes me want to weep for our society. I cannot imagine what it would be like coming home and having to reconnect with a child, while dealing with all of the complex feelings and guilt. I am not judging this woman as a parent. What I do know is that the experience in the line for a mere 45 minutes of their life was excruciating to me, and it broke my heart for the boy.

She could be a great parent. I am not saying I am a better parent. I am not saying that I haven’t been bitingly sarcastic or nasty to my children, or that you couldn’t play back a recording of some things I’ve said that would make me cringe. Or that could easily be torn apart on a blog.

There may have been some problematic points in the original post in which she seemed to be guessing at motivations for the behavior, and I can see how that could rub someone the wrong way. But, criticizing screeching, or valuing a scheduled feeding for an infant who is howling on an airplane over just feeding the poor thing, is just looking at a snapshot of an action and reacting. It’s not mommy wars, in my book, and leaves room for a defense of such choices without name calling.

Reply turned post, religion and reproduction style

The blogosphere has been full of posts about a soon to be published study in Reproductive Health (one of my favorite journals!) about state teen birth rates and religiosity being correlated.

I posted a reply on one of the posts, the one on the New York Times parenting blog Motherlode.

What a shame.

I am proud to have a member of the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice speaking at our medical school next month. She is a Baptist minister and is a Doctor of Divinity. And she is adamantly pro-choice, provides condoms to teenagers at her inner city church, and also provides information about and promotes access to emergency contraception in her community.

There is nothing about religiosity or Christianity that inherently means that one cannot promote contraception, comprehensive sex education or safe and legal abortions. I am a member of Medical Students for Choice, and interact with many abortion providers and pro-choice activists whose faith has an important role in their lives and in their promotion of women’s health.

Dr. Tiller was assassinated while serving at his church. More pro-choice Christians need to stand up to the loud, reactionary ones who are trying to turn our country into a fundamentalist third world nation.

Mothering and feminism survey

There is a mothering and feminism survey available here.

Reply turned post, HIV testing for neonates style

This is one of those three way mirror type reply turned posts. If you want to follow the background, the comment thread appears on this post, but it is actually referring to an older post I wrote about mandatory HIV screening in pregnancy. This reply is in regards to the common practice of testing the newborn when the mother refuses.

I am really conflicted about this. Because, in essence, it is testing the mother. It is not the baby’s antibodies being tested, it is the mother’s that she transferred to the baby. A baby won’t have a valid HIV test until it is 12 months old or more, generally.

So, if it is to decide whether to administer AZT to the baby, which would be what it would be for, I would assume, I would also assume the same woman would probably refuse to have the baby treated. So, where are we then?

I am definitely speaking hypothetically, of course. If I get the local residency I want, I will be in a hospital system where I face the reality of caring for women with HIV and unknown HIV status.

If her child is going to be removed and become a ward of the state, then testing may be ethical once she has relinquished parental rights. Is it ethical to give AZT to a baby against the mother’s wishes? Will the state get a court order to take custody just to administer the medications? How soon until we get to imprisoning women with HIV? Oh, wait we already are.

That being said, I agree it is obviously better for the health of the baby and the mother if they know their HIV status and are medicated. And, both may be lost to the system if not screened and treated at this point. Pregnancy, especially labor and delivery, is a unique time in which women have more access to care due to increased Medicaid coverage and women seek out more care in the peripartum period than when they are not pregnant. But there are lots of ticking time bombs out there that don’t get the government in their lives like women do at the point of delivery. I think she should have a psych consult, possibly, and/or a social worker and a compassionate practitioner who can find out what is going on in her life and why she is refusing. Maybe she will agree at a follow up appointment. Maybe she will sign a release for the baby 12 hours or 18 hours after the delivery. How often does this even come up, and when it does, is it worth it to override her autonomy and remove the child from custody?

Juggling

Trying to juggle.

Trying to juggle being a good student with mothering. I brought S and Z with me to Panera to study. It was a moderate disaster, but still worth it to spend some time with them and let them see where I have been studying during the day. I swam with Z and Coach Stu yesterday. I put Z to bed last night. I am definitely trying to take advantage of the “quality time” with them when I can.

Trying to balance needing online support and being an internet addict. I do better studying when my computer is slightly out of reach. I love online communities, but they have their inherent problems. Unfortunately, there are issues with two of my favorite online communities right now. One of them, the bloggers are taking a break. The other, I am taking a break. Both are due to a similar issue – not feeling support. I didn’t feel support on the message board from people I thought I would get it from, and same thing happened to the blogmistress on one of my favorite sites.

I know there are assholes and trolls on the interwebs, and anyone who doesn’t have a thick skin should stay home. But, some of us find a place and let our guards down. Some of us retreat to these places and expect to be able to get support in a certain circle of safety. It can be blindsiding when you get smacked from a place you were going to for support.

So, on the one hand, I may be better off. I could theoretically have more study time if two of my online escape points are either stalled or somewhere I don’t want to be right now. But, if I spend that time trying to replace those places with sites or sources that are not as emotionally fulfilling, I may not be ahead at all.

Juggling doing what I love with studying for boards. I shouldn’t be putting new posts up here. I shouldn’t be downloading all of Rebecca Kukla’s research papers with glee. I shouldn’t be arguing with anti-choicers on threads about Tiller. I shouldn’t be talking to people at my school about funding for my research. Actually, I should be doing all of these things, just not today. But all work and no play…something something. Don’t mind if I do!

Off to the ACM

Sorry I have been neglecting the blog, but things have been really busy lately. Funny, because classes are officially over. I had my last graded event of my preclinical years of medical school Tuesday night, a standardized clinical experience (we call it an OSCE at our school). I saw five actor patients, read 3 EKGs, read 2 X rays, and analyzed some blood gases of a poor soul who was in diabetic ketoacidosis.

Wednesday I finished my final project and presentation for my research methods class, and helped S conduct his science experiment in the same afternoon. Thanks for the 24 hour notice, kid. (My Facebook status said there was methods in my madness that day.) I would post my final paper here, but it was nine pages long, so I guess it would make a crazy long post. Maybe I can find a way to post it and link to it if I get the time and the savvy.

I am on my way to the Annual Clinical Meeting of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists at an ungodly hour tomorrow morning. I doubt I will be posting from there, but I get insomnia when I travel (I almost typed amnesia there, that would make it an interesting trip) so I may end up babbling int he wee hours.

Miss me. *Mwah*

Look, but don’t touch

According to Motherlode, a Connecticut middle school is banning hugs and high fives between students.

So, in other words, it is Ok to strip search a middle schooler and make her shake out her bra and underwear, but the kids can’t high five or hug each other?

These aren’t the priorities I want to instill in my kids.

I love Peggy O’Mara

My favorite thing about getting Mothering magazine was always reading her editorial column. She is a wonderful writer and a smart, compassionate woman.

I love her response to Hara Rosin’s Case Against Breastfeeding.

Reply turned post, but what about the CHILDREN?? style

This is one of those three way mirrors kind of posts. I am reply -turned – posting to a reply – turned – post. PhD in Parenting has a post about a post on Blog it out, Bitch about how breastfeeding in public somehow forces disapproving parents to talk about breastfeeding with their children before they are ready and willing.

My response (with a few typo / grammar edits *twitch twitch*):

Great post!

I really have a problem with the idea that breastfeeding in public is forcing parents to discuss something with their children before they are willing. It is the same exact argument being used by parents protesting a host on a British children’s show who has a congenital deformity of one of her arms.

No one can force someone to have a discussion with her child before she is ready. I have an IUD pin on my white coat (I am a medical student who plans to practice Ob/gyn.) . When my son said “You have a pogo stick on your white coat!” I said “Yes I do!” because I didn’t think a discussion on birth control was age appropriate. I make these sorts of judgment calls every day. A parent who doesn’t want to discuss the TV host with the different arm can turn off the TV, say “I don’t want to talk about that” and stick her head in the sand all she wants.

Parents DO get to choose what they discuss and what they ignore. What they cannot control is the entire world around them, and the sooner they learn that, the better. And, the sooner they stop using “But what about the CHILDREN??” as an excuse to cover up their own biases and fears, the better we will all be.

Breastfeeding is in absolutely no way disgusting, sexual, inappropriate, or wrong, and I refuse to defend or accept the defense of someone who tries to pretend it is. Neither is seeing a biracial or homosexual couple together (I am not talking about sex here, but holding hands or in a book or something), a TV host with a differently abled body, or a myriad of other examples of biases people have.

I will judge women who go to restaurants with their breasts, midriffs, thongs or buttcheeks hanging out of their clothes in a sexual manner. (I live near South Beach in Miami. Not only have I seen all this at restaurants, I have seen mothers dropping off their children at school dressed like this. No kidding.) I do not pretend that there won’t be groups of parents who think my breastfeeding in restaurants was obscene, just like there are apparently people who think my judgment of women who walk around like they are auditioning for a porno is some sort of wrong attitude toward a sex positive ideal.

We don’t agree, and I can live with that. I don’t have to defned their point of view, however.

B, I, N – G – O

I shamelessly self promote on a few websites, including on Feministe most Sundays. I always try to click through to a few of the other posts. I read this post at eriepressible(tm), and was able to mark off at least two squares on Mommy Wars Bingo. In a nutshell, the link at Feministe complains that Mommy bloggers are “unsupportive” (huh?) of childfree bloggers. Then, when you click through, she proceeds to serve up some rewarmed leftovers of childfree stereotypes that are so predictable they made it on my bingo card. I didn’t see the video she is complaining about, but I don’t feel the need to follow the trail to get to her tired stereotypes.

She is upset that some prominent mommy bloggers “do quite the half-assed job of even pretending to understand.” Understand what? That the simple fact that children exist are a problem to this childfree blogger? I am not defending that one of the mommy bloggers thinks she will change her mind about wanting to have kids. If that was it, there would be no rant here. I have never heard someone say that someone needs to be a parent to learn how to love. If anyone said something that stupid, why make up for it by serving up tired, divisive, angry stereotypes? How hard is she trying to understand what it takes to parent?

The blogger complaining about a misbehaving child in a coffee shop wasn’t complaining about all children in public, “…unless said children are behaving like ill-mannered, tantrum-throwing, undisciplined little assholes and their parents aren’t doing jackshit to alleviate that situation. Most of us don’t go around breathing fire on perfectly well-mannered children.”

Why should children be perfectly well-mannered? Adults aren’t! Should I complain about the childfree drunks that used to vomit on the table of the Denny’s when I worked the nightshift and pretend all college students were like that? What about the smokers at my medical school who sit right outside our classroom door and blow smoke on us every time we leave the classroom? I could list an encyclopedia of adult behavior I am not fond of, but I don’t need to make this a child vs. adult issue. Parents CANNOT control every move their child makes. Yes, I have even had a problem with children in a coffee shop before. It was 11 o clock at night, and the kids were running around. But, the parents were visibly drunk, laughing screechingly (much louder than the kids were playing), and had the children out way past their bedtime, which made them ill tempered and out of place. When the parents were confronted by the staff, they got belligerent. Adult behavior problem, not child behavior problem. And an exception, not the rule. Wow, some parent took a kid to a rated R movie at 11 at night. What about the other 60% of the audience or so that behaved responsibly and got a baby sitter? What about the rest of us parents that don’t go to movies very often or at all? PEOPLE can be assholes. Not just parents. Not just people under some magical age with higher standards of behavior or people who are breeders.

I wanted to reply directly to the post, but she requires registration to comment on her blog. I could see the irony of someone with “Mom” in her handle registering to post a comment on this post, so I didn’t.

She predictably blames the mommy bloggers for stereotyping, then pretends that parents screw the childfree “at every turn”, not pulling our weight in the workplace, expecting special treatment as the childfree “constantly pick up your slack.” Excuse me? I get more done than almost every childfree member of my medical school class. I have never, ever asked for more than my fair share, and have yet to see it happen in any of the many workplaces of which I have been a part. Many of my childfree classmates stumble into class late, if at all. They want days off for ridiculous things, like traveling to see their long distance lovers, or to nurse their hangovers, or just to take enough naps. Are they all like that? Of course not, and I would never, ever pretend that they were. But spare me the stereotype that all parents are traipsing off to their children’s ballet recitals constantly and asking for equal pay as their slaving childfree counterparts. My husband and I go to work and school sick occasionally because we 1. have work ethics and 2. don’t get to take our own sick days off, because we used them already for our children. We scramble for our measly support system to help us on early release days and teacher’s work days. People with disabilities, sick adult partners, sick parents who become dependents (oh my GOD the nerve!), other interests, drug habits, etc. can all ask for and need time off from work. Some people come to work and don’t work at all, like the asshole I used to sit next to who would fight with his wife loudly for half of his workday, and spend the rest of his workday looking at pictures of boats. That’s what performance reviews are for.

I can’t tell you how many times my childfree classmates tell me how overwhelmed they are when I try to get them involved in an extracurricular activity, only to proceed to talk about the yoga class they are attending later, or show me their new pedicure. I am on the executive board of three extracurricular clubs and run the HIV testing clinic for a fourth club, on top of seeking a dual degree. The president of the club that is responsible for the HIV clinic (the only club she is involved in, and it never has any activities other than the clinic) told me she didn’t want to “waste her precious free time” getting certified to do the HIV testing. They don’t have time? Fine. We all make our choices with our time. But being a breeder doesn’t make one especially more likely to ask others to pick up our slack. I make my decisions on how to juggle my time, which involves not going to her precious movies at 11 p.m., getting pedicures, or getting my eyebrows threaded. If my childfree classmates want to, good for them. But it makes me angry if one of them wants me to pick up her slack to do it. Will I stereotype all my childfree classmates as self-centered and lazy because of it? Please call me out if I do.

Eriepressible ™, there is a reason people are calling you angry and discriminatory. You sound angry and discriminatory.

I will leave off with this excellent piece from Motherlode about how a mom of a child with autism is seen by judgmental eyes while trying to check out at a register.

And, do me a favor. Work on that “understanding” thing you seem to treasure so much from others.