I should be studying. I spent the day with my family, including my brother, sister-in-law and nephew from out of town. It was a great time, don’t get me wrong, but I am behind on studying and I really should be catching up right now. I have a test tomorrow, and I am anything but ready.
That is not the only reason I am bummed, however. I frequent two online communities, one private, one public. These sites do a lot of good for me, generally. I hope I usually do good for them, too. I feel a sense of community, of belonging, of friendship, of support, of shelter. For different reasons, neither of those sites feels all that hospitable right now. And with the way I am feeling, I may not be good for them, either.
I feel like Holly Hunter’s character from Broadcast News:
Paul Moore: It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you’re the smartest person in the room.
Jane Craig: No. It’s awful.
Feeling like I am right does not make me happy. It makes me want to cry at my desk, which is what she does, frequently, in the film.
I am PMSing and stressed out already, and I really don’t feel like swimming upstream in my havens. So, instead of using these sites to take a break where I feel I belong, instead, I am fretting about them and avoiding them.
I am not here to bitch about any details or anything, I am just shouting out into the darkness since my places of light are not welcoming to me right now, based on my own needs and my own perspective. So, instead of bopping into one or both of these sites, getting quickly recharged, asking for test vibes, and going to study, I am moping and feeling quite uncharged.
Pity party over, back to studying.